Profile Picture

This has been my facebook profile picture for the past year. It is a picture of two of my children. Shaniel and Steven. Shaniel was my third child. Steven, my fourth. They were just about three years apart in age... but close enough to be the best of friends.

Shaniel and Steven have both passed away. I keep a picture of them as my profile picture to keep them constantly visual... just as if they were here.

Shaniel was murdered by her husband on February 10, 2013. She was 32 years old and left behind four children. Her husband killed himself as well. Steven died by suicide on Labor Day last year. September 7, 2015. He was also 32 years old and left behind a wife and two natural and two step children. Both have been very hard deaths on our family. Never would I expected this to happen to them, to me, to their siblings, and children.

Shaniel's death was extremely difficult on all of us. Steven shut down and never talked about it. I believe if Shaniel were here today that Steven would be here too. I can't believe what one person's choices and actions can do to change the life of so many people. Our's is forever changed. 

The picture of Shaniel and Steven were taken at Thanksgiving Point during the Tulip Festival in 2010. We have always gotten together as often as we could to do things as a family. To make memories and strengthen family ties and for cousins to become good friends. 

All but one of my girls were there for the picture. I am thankful for so many good and wonderful memories of my children. For those left behind, I consider each day I am with my children and grandchildren a cherished gift. A gift I never take for granted. To see them, hear them, hug them and love them is more precious than anything. 

Inspired by Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop

Pinkie Promise Wish

Have you ever experienced a deja vu? Or, in other words, had a feeling of already experienced the present situation? 

I have. They happened more when I was younger, but they still happen on occasion. I came across an article that was not only fascinating, but it also resonated with me.

About space and time. Not as we understand it here on earth, but before and beyond. Eternity. Could our deja vu's be connected to that place, that space, that time, that we don't understand?

If I had one wish here on earth, I would wish for the absence of time and space... just for a day. I could recall the past and be in the present. I don't think I could look on the future. Not yet.

But... I would turn back to the days before my children left this earth life. I would not only watch, but I would live with them! 

I would be brave enough to get in the jeep with my son and climb the big rocks, instead of standing outside the adventure looking in. 

I would jump on a tube and fly down the slopes, wind and snow blowing in my face, racing my son to the bottom of the hill... instead of capturing the thrill on his face whizzing down the hill.

I would jump over obstacles and land on my feet, showing my daughter I could keep up!

I would go on another adventure with her, anticipating the surprise behind the next door... or curtain... or....

Just one more time... we'd walk through the tulips, play in the fountains, roll down the hills, feed the fish, gaze at the stars, and hike the canyons. And so much more.

Then, we would make our "pinkie promise", just like we did on our last camping trip together. And promise to carve in a trip every year to strengthen family ties, create memories, and share our love and friendship with one other. We would never be too busy for that. Not ever.

If time and space were irrelevant, I would bring back every single moment, every single memory, and re-live them just one more time. But I can't. Not here. Though, one day, when I am reunited with my children, I am certain we will re-start our adventures with a "pinkie promise", never, ever, to be broken again!

                             Inspired by Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop

May is for Lilacs

A year ago in May the lilacs were blooming. Just like they are this year. You can count on them to make their entrance this time every year. Purple lilacs are my favorite May flower for several reasons.

I have sweet remembrances of home and mother and lilacs. We had a lilac bush in the corner of our front yard that would bloom every year just in time for Memorial Day. I watched, year after year, mother cut the thin branches of white and purple lilacs and fill metal coffee cans to the brim... making beautiful arrangements. The sweet fragrance of lilac floated on the Spring air, bringing a sense of awareness to the importance of their existence. They not only brought beauty to our home as they set in a vase on the dining room table, but they played a much greater role... that of sweet remembrances.

Every Memorial Day our family went to the Price City Cemetery, filled the cans of lilacs with water, and lovingly placed them at the headstones of loved ones who had passed away. My grandparents... mother's mom and dad, were the ones I remember spending the most time at.

I knew that placing lilacs on their graves was a special occasion. It was one of reverence and remembrance, to reflect on cherished memories, and to make a silent tribute of love and gratitude in the role they played in our lives. 

That tradition has so much more meaning in my life since the days of my youth. I have come to know and appreciate, so much more, what it means to tenderly place lilacs on my loved one's graves.

I have since buried both my parents and a daughter and a son. I take them buckets of lilacs to place on their graves every Memorial Day... with gratitude in my heart for having the blessing of having them in my life and being able to love them and be loved back.

My daughter, Shaniel, loved the color purple. She loved flowers and planted a variety of colorful flowers in her beds and garden. She started most of her plants from seed and placed the paper cups in a large south facing window in her kitchen. She had a "green thumb." 

Last year I placed lilacs on Shaniel's grave and wrote this poem. This year I will do the same thing. Because I love her! Because of the remembrances of what this special occasion means. It is love, respect, gratitude, and sweet reflections and remembrances of a daughter lost too soon.

The cup in the vase was far too

 small. 

It would take an arm full of

 lilacs... and a thousand

 more! 

To place by your side... my angel,

 my love.

I'll visit you oft until we meet

 again, 

Bringing beautiful fresh lilacs to

 remind me of you.

My son, Steven, loved starting plants and flowers from seed and watching them grow in his greenhouse. He especially loved roses and bleeding hearts. His yard was a welcome refuge for birds of all kinds. A bird house could be spotted in a tree, on a fence, or tucked in an unknown hiding place. He had a tender heart for plants, animals, and all God's creations. My heart is so happy when I think of my son and the joy he had playing in dirt.

Since the passing of my children, I have created a special "memorial garden" in my yard. I've been working on it for a few years, since Shaniel's death. The garden is centered around a room size pergola.The Wisteria is in its 3rd year and is coming along nicely. The other plants were put in this Spring. Lilacs, Peonies, burning bush, and small shrubs. 
I found the perfect statues for the garden that make my heart so happy. I can sit in my lovely garden and reflect on all the happy memories of my children and watch my grandchildren play.

I'm still waiting on Sweet Autumn Clematis to plant at the front beams of the pergola extension, the bleeding heart, and a wonderfully colorful and whimsy birdhouse. When the plants are mature it's going to be a favorite hideaway for all members of the family... young and old. Can't wait!

May is for lilacs, cherished remembrances and a peaceful heart.

Together again... 

Shaniel - 1980 - 2013

Steven - 1983 - 2015

Inspired by Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop

Six Word Fridays: Purple

Purple was her very favorite color.

How ironic that the color purple

also represents "Domestic Violence Awareness" month. 

Purple roses placed ever so gently 

and reverently on her casket... reminding 

us that life is, indeed, precious. 

Purple was her favorite color. 

And now reminds me everyday... of 

her presence, her grace, her laughter

and more. Memories of sweet Shaniel

are lasting and eternal... kept near

my heart. And what joy it 

will be when we reunite and 

begin again where we left off.

We'll hug and shed tears of 

joy... and reminisce about the days

on earth. But knowing her it 

won't last long. We'll be off 

in a flash to explore the 

beyond.... just like we used to

sweet daughter of mine. Love you! 

We lost Shaniel February 10, 2013 from an act of domestic violence. Her husband killed her.

Shaniel was a nurse by profession and a loving mother of four beautiful children. 

After her funeral, at the graveside, each of her co-workers placed a purple rose on her casket and gave a beautiful tribute. It reads...

Nursing is a calling, a lifestyle, a way of living. Nurses and co-workers here today honor Shaniel and her life as a nurse. Shaniel is not remembered by her years as a nurse, but by the difference she made during those years by stepping into people's lives and caring whole heartedly for her patients.

When a calming, quiet presence was all that was needed, she was there...

In the excitement and miracle of birth or in the mystery and loos of life, she was there...

When a silent glance could uplift a patient, family member or friend, she was there...

At those times when the unexplainable needed to be explained, she was there...

When the situation demanded a swift foot and sharp mind, she was there...

When a gentle touch, a firm push, or an encouraging word was needed, she was there...

To witness humanity - it's beauty, in good times and bad, without judgement, she was there...

To embrace the woes of the world, willingly and offer hope, she was there...

And now, that it is time to be at the Greater One's side, she is there...

Shaniel, we honor you this day and give you a white rose to symbolize our honor and appreciation for being your nursing colleague. We love and miss you.

In memory of Shaniel 

March 4, 1980 - February 10, 2013

Facebook Profile Picture

I have had this profile picture on my Facebook page since February 2013. It is a picture of myself and daughter Shaniel. The picture was taken at Thanksgiving Point Gardens in Lehi, Utah in April of 2009.

It's been a tradition to meet as a family at Thanksgiving Point for a day of picnicking and wandering through the beautiful tulip gardens. Four of my children were able to attend that day. I bought each of the granddaughters fairy wings. The grandsons and granddaughters all got butterfly nets. 

Soon the kiddos were fluttering wildly among the brightly colored tulips, chasing butterflies with their nets. They were the talk of the gardens. There were ooohs and ahhhs, and "where did you get these darling little fairies?,and how cute!" Garden enthusiasts wanted to know where they could buy the wings and nets. Sadly, I had to tell them I did not purchase them at Thanksgiving Point Gardens. It was my own idea and I had bought them at a store in my hometown. So... the gardens were filled with just my own little fairies that day. And did they ever steal the show! Maybe even more so than the beautiful tulips themselves.

Why did I choose this as my profile picture? Because... it keeps my heart close to this dear and precious daughter. Shaniel was murdered by her husband in February of 2013. It brings me great comfort to see her and I, mother and daughter, enjoying one of the many days of being together. As well as being together as a family... all of us.  

This picture keeps Shaniel's memory close to my heart and soul. It's like she's here. So close. I can hear her laughter, feel her touch, watch her run and play with the kids with energy and excitement. I am reminded of her unique ways of making every event a holiday to remember. 

I don't see myself replacing this Facebook profile picture anytime soon, and maybe never. Love and miss my Shaniel...

Writing Prompt #5:  Share the story behind your current Facebook profile picture.

Hosted by:

Mama Kat's Pretty Much Famous Writers Workshop

In an Instant

And then a friend reminds me... Shaniel is here! She is all around us.

".. .you can pick up the phone and talk to her oldest daughter, that is where her voice is shared, you can listen to the twins laugh at play, that is where her laughter was left, you can hold the hands of each of her children and you will feel her imprint left there. Her smile and her jokes are all inner twined in those kids. Shaniels sweet spirit may be with her Heavenly Father, but so many of her attributes were left here on this earth in those children of hers. What a treasure, a keepsake for you to lean on and draw from."

The last time I made a post, it was to Shaniel's Story Facebook Page. A friend left a comment that reminded me that Shaniel is here on earth! I just have to look. I needed this reminder today. So grateful!

Below is the post I made that will explain the comment above.

As a mother, I marvel at her commitment to improve and pursue dreams in the most difficult of circumstances. She became an R.N. a year after the twins were born. She is a professional woman in the humblest of circumstances. Many a night she has been called to sit with a dying patient. She is so caring and loving.  

This is an excerpt from a blog post I did in April 2010. This was a tribute to my third daughter, Shaniel, for her 30th birthday. Little did I know she would be taken from us, by an act of domestic violence by her husband, less than 3 years later. 

When a loved one passes, everything in your life changes in an instant. I can no longer pick up the phone and call her. I can no longer hear her voice, her laughter. I can no longer hold her precious, caring hands. I can no longer see her smile or listen to her jokes. I can no longer play games and eat lunch with her. I can no longer hug her and tell her I love her. Life is different for me. A piece of my heart is gone. There is a constant ache that never goes away. A child is the most precious gift a mother receives in life. Yearnings to have her near are intense on occasion. Just like they are right now. It only takes a memory, a picture, a smell... something that triggers the senses, and it all comes back like a flood.

And then... in an instant I can see her vividly in my mind. I can feel her spirit in my heart. She is alive in my memories. I am still so proud of Shaniel, and always will be. It's not so much as what she accomplished, but the woman she became. The heavens are lucky to have her! She was an angel on earth, and I am confident that she continues to be in heaven. I am quite sure she has received many of her patients, that she cared for here on earth, on the other side. And I know she will be the first to greet me. I look forward to our reunion and a long awaited hug! 

It only took an instant for life to change, and it takes only one evil person, one evil act... to change everything you thought was right in the world. I have to admit, I have had my moments of anger. But with work, and lots of it... and faith, hope and forgiveness, my heart is learning to heal. With God on my side, the impossible truly does become possible.

Mom, thank you so much for the post. Brought a tear to my eye! I love you and thank you for making me feel special!  --Shaniel's comment 

Love your children like it's the last day... you never know when they will be taken from you!

Graduation day, May 2008 - Shaniel, R.N.

Writing prompt #2:  Open a blank blog post and “right click paste” in the body of the post…what was pasted? Explain it.

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Mama Kat's Pretty Much Famous Writer's Workshop

2014 - Just Keep Going

I was in Europe last January and now have to admit that making New Year's resolutions was not at the top of my priority list! In fact, I didn't make any goals. Losing a daughter earlier in the year drained me physically, mentally, and emotionally. All I could do was take one day at a time. Many days I found myself just going through the motions. I did, however, find a post I had written in February 2014 that brought attention to my state of mind and what I wanted for the New Year. Here is some of what I wrote ---

February 2014 

It's a New Year. Not the beginning of the year. But the beginning of another year without Shaniel. I try not to think about it too much. I put on a brave front sometimes. But mostly, I have come to terms with her passing. I feel she is ready to move forward, as I am too.

As I have reflected over the past year, my first year without her, it has been so long... yet it seems just like yesterday I was talking to her, hugging her, laughing with her. I hope that her image stands so still in my mind, that when I see her again it will be as if we never were apart. Not even for one minute. Sometimes I yearn for her so badly. I just want to touch her and smell her, and see her smile and hear her laugh. But then, I think... I will soon enough.

The Lord has been so kind to me this past year. He sent ministering angels to buoy me up when I needed strength to endure. I often wondered if Shaniel was one of them. On occasion, I felt her love and gentle touch. She often expressed her love for me when she was alive... why would she stop now!

Throughout the year, I felt the tender mercies of a loving Father In Heaven. I felt His love. I felt peace. I felt hope with increased faith. I experienced healing. I was able to forgive when I didn't know how it would ever be possible. I was able to recognize blessings... so many blessings that I can't begin to count them. 

As I start the new year, I will move forward with faith and hope in brighter days ahead. I will pray for strength, endurance, and courage. I will bring honor and remembrance to Shaniel's name. She will not have died in vain. We will continue to share her story and hopefully help save another victim of domestic abuse and violence. I can't help but think that Shaniel is pleased. She can move forward, too.

Carol (me) and Shaniel

January 2015

In looking back on those things I wanted for 2014, I found myself asking the questions.  Did I... Move forward with faith and hope seeking for brighter days? Pray for strength, endurance, and courage? Share Shaniel's Story with others? Help victims of domestic violence?

The answer is YES and NO. I did the best that I could. 

NO! The second year, 2014, without Shaniel was extremely difficult and very lonely. My state of mind was different, too. Reality set in. I felt numb a lot. It was hard to think about her. The way she died. Having to listen to all the excuses made in defense of her killer, by his family and my own, was more than I could bear at times. Grief has a way of taking a toll on you. I found out that grief is, indeed, a very lonely journey. You have to put on a happy face and hide your emotions for fear of upsetting someone or making them feel uncomfortable. And even worse...  is having a well meaning family member give you advice on how you should grieve or how you should perceive the situation of her death. Or worse yet... family members that are complacent and full of apathy. No comment. No words. Nothing. That has been the most hurtful. Maybe it's just too hard to hear. Maybe.... but I need to say it and I will say it...

I will say it.... Shaniel's death was a homicide. She was killed by her husband. It was an act of domestic violence. It was no accident. He made a plan and carried it out. He was not sick. He was plain evil. There is no other way to say it. I hate the word homicide and murder. I hate that I have to miss my daughter every single day of my life. I hate that it happened to me, her dad, her siblings, and her children. It has changed all of our lives. I hate everything about it. I really do. It sucks! And I won't apologize if it was too loud in your ears.

Ok... now can I move forward! Again!

YES! Don't get me wrong. I had the most amazing experiences last year. Experiences that increased my faith and gave me hope. Experiences that brought me understanding and gave me an eternal perspective. Losing my daughter changed me. It has been so difficult on one hand, but has also helped me grow and become a better person. I learned that in growth, comes opposition. Putting my trust in the Lord and praying to receive strength and courage gave me much needed comfort on my most difficult days.

I wrote as much as I could on Shaniel's Story facebook page, but I hit a brick wall for much of the year. The previous year, 2013, my mind was continually filled with
inspiration. Whereas, 2014 produced little. If you believe in road blocks, stumbling blocks, or those things that keep you from going where you want to... well, I had my share of them. But it didn't keep me down. I did what I could when the opportunity and inspiration presented itself. Shaniel's Story page continues to grow in numbers and interest. Several courageous women shared their stories of escape from domestic violence relationships. Many victims are finding hope. We are making a difference. And that's what matters!

I'm not about to let a hard year determine the outcome of this trial. Shaniel's life will not have been in vain.There is much to be thankful for, much more to do, more people to help. My mother always gave me this advice when I thought I could go on no longer...

"And this, too, shall pass!" And, it will.

I still have not made a New Year's resolution this year, but I will. It will be simple. Not much. But something. And I will continue to seek for brighter days. For me, it's one step in front of the other. Just keep moving. Just keep going. It will get easier. It can only go one way... up! I know it will. This year will be better than the last. Cheers!

I find these quotes an inspiration for the New Year. Maybe one will inspire you.

Writing prompt #1: Look back at the resolutions you made last year at this time, how did you do?

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Mama Kat's Pretty Much Famous Writer's Workshop

Quotography: Still

Be still, my soul

Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;

With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.

Leave to thy God to order and provide;

In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.

Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend

Thur thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be, still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake,

To guide the future as he has the past,

Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;

All now mysterious shall be bright at last.

Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know

His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on

When we shall be forever with the Lord,

When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,

Sorrow forget, loves purest joys restored.

Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,

All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Text: Katharina von Schlegel, b 1697

trans. by Jane Barhwick, 1813-1897

Music: Jean Sibelius, 1865-1957

And all they who have mourned shall be comforted. 

Doctrine and Covenants 101:14

This beautiful hymn was sung at Shaniel's funeral by her brother-in-law Robby Donaldson. The lyrics, combined with the music, express my feelings to the very depths of my soul. I am calmed and comforted every time I hear the words... be still my soul: the Lord is on thy side... with patience bear thy cross of grief or pain... thur thorny ways leads to a joyful end... be still, my soul: when change and tears are past, all safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Not only will we have rest in the Lord at our appointed time, we will also rejoice in the renewed friendship of our loved ones. I miss my angel daughter, Shaniel, so very much and look forward with great anticipation when I can see her again. I yearn to be near her, hug her, tell her I love her, and never ever let her go. Patience bear... until we meet again.

Inspired!

I moved this post to my private blog. You can see how Shaniel's portrait was inspired here.

Photo Journal

Look what I did today... Wednesday, September 18, 2013.

7:00 a.m. - Wake up. Look on the computer to see stats on Shaniel's Story.

My daughters and I started a Community Based Face Book page a couple of days ago in memory of my daughter, their sister - Shaniel. It is our hope that as we tell Shaniel's story, more women will find the courage to leave abusive relationships. Our page is intended to educate, provide hope and courage, and let people know just what a special person Shaniel was. She had so much to live for. We miss and love her every single day. If you want to follow our story and our cause, go to https://www.facebook.com/Shanielstory 

8:00 a.m. - Out to the orchard

Last night the wind was mean and ferocious. The rain came down in sheets, pounding so hard I thought our widows would break. I went to the orchard first thing this morning to asses the damage. There were lots of peaches on the ground, but enough left on the trees to, hopefully, fill all our orders. Our peaches are in huge demand. I've been told ours is the best in the valley. Twice to three times bigger than anyone else's. I thought all the other farmers used the same weapon as us, but apparently not. We thin our fruit to 10 inches apart in the Spring. More energy goes to fewer fruit. Some of peaches and pears weigh in over 2 lbs. each. Woohoo!

Wish I could share with you all!

9:00 a.m. - Oatmeal for breakfast

Yes, I am an oatmeal fan. I love raisins and brown sugar on it, too. No granulated sugar!

10:00 a.m. - Pears to bottle

Or so I thought! Youngest daughter and I were going to bottle some pears from the orchard. They still need to sit for a day or two to ripen. We'll try again in a couple of days.

11:00 a.m. - Homework

Grandma (that's me), helped little Missy Moo (that's the granddaugther) with writing. She is left handed. I'm right handed. Didn't work so well. I read her a story, too. I love being a grandmother!

12:00 noon - Lunch

When you can't bottle pears, what do you do? Eat out! Hometown just got a new In-N-Out Burger. We just had to go. Buster Boo is happy! Grandma, too!

1:00 p.m. - Shopping

When you're out on the town, you can't go home until you shop! We dedicated 2 hours to out on the town. We went to JoAnns and picked out some lovely purple yarn (Shaniel's favorite color and is also the color for Domestic Violence Awareness). Youngest talented daughter is going to knit her and I a scarf to wear at Shaniel's Walk, October 19. It's a community invited walk that will follow the Price River Walkway, in honor of Shaniel's memory and to celebrate her life. All proceeds will be donated to the local Women's Shelter.

3:00 p.m. - Auto Zone

When it rains, it pours! The battery on the tractor went dead, so I had to buy a new one. And the four wheeler got a bad blasted flat tire. I took the tire in to Big O to get fixed and bought the battery from Auto Zone. Thank goodness for tractor man! Got to get those two up and moving again. I've got peaches to pick!

4:00 p.m. - Smiths

While the four wheeler tire was getting fixed, I went to the grocery store to buy me a two weeks supply of food. I'm home alone right now... and live mainly off fresh fruits and veggies. It such a wonderful time of the year! 

5:00 p.m. - News

Why do I insist in watching the news? It's mostly sad stuff. But I do love my channel 5 - ksl news. They often air positive and uplifting stories and focus on education, as well. 

7:00 p.m. - Appointment

Wait! Isn't that picture from above? It is. I had an appointment at the church house, and when I came out the sun had just set over Willard Bay. It was just beautiful. Hues of pink, orange and yellow settled behind the mountains to the west. The scene was peaceful and serene. 

8:00 p.m. - Fresh Peaches

I sliced up a bowl of fresh peaches before going to bed. I think I missed dinner! Oh well... this is much better!

9:00 p.m. - Is MY BEDTIME!

Jump in bed and relax to the finale of America's Got Talent. Thank goodness for DVR!
The Mr.'s side of the bed remains un-disturbed. And I have it all to myself... love, love, love it!

Writing prompt #2: Take a picture every hour and show us what a day in your life is like.