Son...

Seems like yesterday you were playing at one of your favorite parks with your sisters, rappelling out trees, fishing in the river with your stick and string, riding bikes with your friends, catching frogs, playing in the mud with your trucks, and incubating chicken eggs. 

I loved being your cub scout leader... making birdhouses and derby cars and cooking with tuna cans in the back yard. Oh... you were such a delight!

It was not uncommon to come home from school to find you in the kitchen with my apron on cooking up a batch of brownies. You loved to cook!

You had the ability to entertain yourself for hours... whether it was building extraordinary things out of legos, playing with matchbox cars, swimming in the river, or riding the LTD bus. 

The innocent years of your youth went by way too fast. You grew into a young man before I knew it. 

I watched you enter adulthood when you got your first job and bought a jeep with your own money. I watched, with pride, the way you took care of things and people. 

Making a family of your own brought a newfound joy all its own. I loved watching you be a father and see the love and concern you had for your children.

You always had an adventure going on in your head it seemed. I loved all our family trips together. You were just one of the kids when it came to snowball fights, sledding, exploring gardens and other places of nature. You never outgrew the "fun" of doing. All the kids... nieces and nephews, often thought of you as their favorite uncle. 

Thirty two short years on earth wasn't long enough, but I don't think about how or why you left us. There was too much good about you. Labor Day will be forever changed. Today we will celebrate your life... forever.

I will always think about your soft, calming voice. Your laughter. Your funny personality and the hilarious way you had with words. Your phone calls that could last for hours, but only seemed like minutes. The unique droop of your lip when you smiled or cried. Your love of nature, gardening, and animals. Your kindness. Your gentleness. Just you... you as a glorious and worthy son. 

Steven Greg Oliver - January 29, 1983 - September 7, 2015

I especially loved that you always addressed me as "mother".  

From your mother... I love you son!

Profile Picture

This has been my facebook profile picture for the past year. It is a picture of two of my children. Shaniel and Steven. Shaniel was my third child. Steven, my fourth. They were just about three years apart in age... but close enough to be the best of friends.

Shaniel and Steven have both passed away. I keep a picture of them as my profile picture to keep them constantly visual... just as if they were here.

Shaniel was murdered by her husband on February 10, 2013. She was 32 years old and left behind four children. Her husband killed himself as well. Steven died by suicide on Labor Day last year. September 7, 2015. He was also 32 years old and left behind a wife and two natural and two step children. Both have been very hard deaths on our family. Never would I expected this to happen to them, to me, to their siblings, and children.

Shaniel's death was extremely difficult on all of us. Steven shut down and never talked about it. I believe if Shaniel were here today that Steven would be here too. I can't believe what one person's choices and actions can do to change the life of so many people. Our's is forever changed. 

The picture of Shaniel and Steven were taken at Thanksgiving Point during the Tulip Festival in 2010. We have always gotten together as often as we could to do things as a family. To make memories and strengthen family ties and for cousins to become good friends. 

All but one of my girls were there for the picture. I am thankful for so many good and wonderful memories of my children. For those left behind, I consider each day I am with my children and grandchildren a cherished gift. A gift I never take for granted. To see them, hear them, hug them and love them is more precious than anything. 

Inspired by Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop

Pinkie Promise Wish

Have you ever experienced a deja vu? Or, in other words, had a feeling of already experienced the present situation? 

I have. They happened more when I was younger, but they still happen on occasion. I came across an article that was not only fascinating, but it also resonated with me.

About space and time. Not as we understand it here on earth, but before and beyond. Eternity. Could our deja vu's be connected to that place, that space, that time, that we don't understand?

If I had one wish here on earth, I would wish for the absence of time and space... just for a day. I could recall the past and be in the present. I don't think I could look on the future. Not yet.

But... I would turn back to the days before my children left this earth life. I would not only watch, but I would live with them! 

I would be brave enough to get in the jeep with my son and climb the big rocks, instead of standing outside the adventure looking in. 

I would jump on a tube and fly down the slopes, wind and snow blowing in my face, racing my son to the bottom of the hill... instead of capturing the thrill on his face whizzing down the hill.

I would jump over obstacles and land on my feet, showing my daughter I could keep up!

I would go on another adventure with her, anticipating the surprise behind the next door... or curtain... or....

Just one more time... we'd walk through the tulips, play in the fountains, roll down the hills, feed the fish, gaze at the stars, and hike the canyons. And so much more.

Then, we would make our "pinkie promise", just like we did on our last camping trip together. And promise to carve in a trip every year to strengthen family ties, create memories, and share our love and friendship with one other. We would never be too busy for that. Not ever.

If time and space were irrelevant, I would bring back every single moment, every single memory, and re-live them just one more time. But I can't. Not here. Though, one day, when I am reunited with my children, I am certain we will re-start our adventures with a "pinkie promise", never, ever, to be broken again!

                             Inspired by Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop

May is for Lilacs

A year ago in May the lilacs were blooming. Just like they are this year. You can count on them to make their entrance this time every year. Purple lilacs are my favorite May flower for several reasons.

I have sweet remembrances of home and mother and lilacs. We had a lilac bush in the corner of our front yard that would bloom every year just in time for Memorial Day. I watched, year after year, mother cut the thin branches of white and purple lilacs and fill metal coffee cans to the brim... making beautiful arrangements. The sweet fragrance of lilac floated on the Spring air, bringing a sense of awareness to the importance of their existence. They not only brought beauty to our home as they set in a vase on the dining room table, but they played a much greater role... that of sweet remembrances.

Every Memorial Day our family went to the Price City Cemetery, filled the cans of lilacs with water, and lovingly placed them at the headstones of loved ones who had passed away. My grandparents... mother's mom and dad, were the ones I remember spending the most time at.

I knew that placing lilacs on their graves was a special occasion. It was one of reverence and remembrance, to reflect on cherished memories, and to make a silent tribute of love and gratitude in the role they played in our lives. 

That tradition has so much more meaning in my life since the days of my youth. I have come to know and appreciate, so much more, what it means to tenderly place lilacs on my loved one's graves.

I have since buried both my parents and a daughter and a son. I take them buckets of lilacs to place on their graves every Memorial Day... with gratitude in my heart for having the blessing of having them in my life and being able to love them and be loved back.

My daughter, Shaniel, loved the color purple. She loved flowers and planted a variety of colorful flowers in her beds and garden. She started most of her plants from seed and placed the paper cups in a large south facing window in her kitchen. She had a "green thumb." 

Last year I placed lilacs on Shaniel's grave and wrote this poem. This year I will do the same thing. Because I love her! Because of the remembrances of what this special occasion means. It is love, respect, gratitude, and sweet reflections and remembrances of a daughter lost too soon.

The cup in the vase was far too

 small. 

It would take an arm full of

 lilacs... and a thousand

 more! 

To place by your side... my angel,

 my love.

I'll visit you oft until we meet

 again, 

Bringing beautiful fresh lilacs to

 remind me of you.

My son, Steven, loved starting plants and flowers from seed and watching them grow in his greenhouse. He especially loved roses and bleeding hearts. His yard was a welcome refuge for birds of all kinds. A bird house could be spotted in a tree, on a fence, or tucked in an unknown hiding place. He had a tender heart for plants, animals, and all God's creations. My heart is so happy when I think of my son and the joy he had playing in dirt.

Since the passing of my children, I have created a special "memorial garden" in my yard. I've been working on it for a few years, since Shaniel's death. The garden is centered around a room size pergola.The Wisteria is in its 3rd year and is coming along nicely. The other plants were put in this Spring. Lilacs, Peonies, burning bush, and small shrubs. 
I found the perfect statues for the garden that make my heart so happy. I can sit in my lovely garden and reflect on all the happy memories of my children and watch my grandchildren play.

I'm still waiting on Sweet Autumn Clematis to plant at the front beams of the pergola extension, the bleeding heart, and a wonderfully colorful and whimsy birdhouse. When the plants are mature it's going to be a favorite hideaway for all members of the family... young and old. Can't wait!

May is for lilacs, cherished remembrances and a peaceful heart.

Together again... 

Shaniel - 1980 - 2013

Steven - 1983 - 2015

Inspired by Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop

The Perfect Mother

An Angel kissed my cheek today,
He said "I love you Mom, I'm ok." 
At first I thought I was dreaming,
Until I saw a bright light beaming.

I heard him whisper in my ear,
I've come to get a few things clear.
I know you worry you did something wrong,
I know how hurt your heart is Mom.

I see your tears when others do not,
I hear over and over your same thought. 
You think somehow, some way or another,
you should have been a better mother.

Please feel my presence here today.
Please believe me when I say,
For me there could be no other.
For me YOU are the Perfect Mother!

Don't you remember? Don't you see?
I chose you and you chose me!
Remember Mom, we chose together.
Our perfect love will last forever!

My Son, My Angel.... Steven 

1983 - 2015

I am changed... forever. I'm carving out my 'new normal' moving forward in a world without two of my best friends... my children. Steven and Shaniel.

Life is not the same as I remember it not so long ago. It's different without children you bore, raised, and loved their entire lives. Just under 3 years apart, both were 32 years of age at the time of passing. Both left small families behind (my son, his wife). And a grieving mother. A father. And siblings. Countless family members and friends. My heart has been shattered for the second time in less than 3 years. Not everyone will understand who reads this... but someone, somewhere... just may. My heart goes out to them.

In any given moment, the reality of losing two children will hit me like a freight train and leave me feeling broken... both body and soul. I am left wondering how can I go on? It's FAITH !  One simple word whispers quietly, yet with conviction, in my ear... and, with courage and new strength, I pick myself up and carry on. It's in our Savior's atonement that I find peace, comfort, hope, faith, healing, forgiveness, and love. And I know my two precious children... my Angels, are able to do the same. Perfect Love binds us together. Perfect Love is eternal. And I am forever changed.

...until we meet again.