You are Braver than you Believe...

My college experience was anything but traditional. But it was an experience of a life time. One I had dreamed about but never really thought I would do. I often thought if I did go to college... would I be brave enough? Would I be smart enough? 

I had five room mates when I unexpectedly entered the college scene. Room mates that were totally dependent on me... ages 4 to 14. I was a single mother to five of the best children I thought a mother could ever have. 

As I started my journey in academics, I was overwhelmed, somewhat frightened and intimidated. Oddly enough, I was also excited as if I were a young girl just out of high school learning to spread her wings. 

College was a new adventure for me. I embraced it, but not without obstacles. 

Life was forever changed. I had to really want this! I had to be brave! I would be the sole parent in the rearing of my children. I would have to juggle motherly duties, finances, class schedules, homework, home management, extra curricular activities, and other anticipated and unexpected responsibilities, activities, and events that would surely present themselves. 

As a new divorcee, life presented only two choices for me. (1) Feel sorry for myself for the rest of my life and struggle to make ends meet, or (2) take a leap of faith and do hard things that would require commitment and determination in order to provide for my children and improve our circumstances.

I chose to take the hard road, and I can say it was one of the best decisions I ever made. 

My college days started out a Junior college in my hometown. And it proved to be just what I needed. My entrance exam told the real picture of where I was academically. I needed basic refresher courses in math to catch up to current standards. I did it! One course at at time. 

I adopted a quote from Winnie the Pooh that says it best.

After a year of catching up academically, I was ready to transfer to a BIG college. I went back to my roots, again. To the place where I was born. Where my father began his college career... Utah State University. The kids and I packed up and moved 200 miles north and settled into the beautiful community of Logan, Utah, where we continued the adventures of a new life. 

Even though I was not the typical age of college students, being slightly older had its advantages and I continued to learn things about myself that I never knew. I made friends easily, both young and old alike. I grew in confidence with each assignment tackled and every test I passed. 

The results on my Secondary Education Entrance Exam let me know I was where I belonged. The test was held in a large auditorium that held up to 500 students. We were given just one question to answer. In essay form. To paraphrase:

Tell about an experience you had in school and what you learned from it. 

I had prepared myself mentally for this day, but was not prepared for what followed. As I sat there, among hundreds of other students, yet all alone... I gathered my thoughts together and mustered the courage to put pen to paper and write. I would write about what could have been a very humiliating experience for a young Jr. High School girl in a Home Economics class, yet wasn't... thanks to a kind and thoughtful teacher. 

"We were given a sewing project to make a jumper. Mom took me shopping for a pattern and some fabric. I took it to class, cut my pattern pieces out and layed them out, pinning them to the fabric. In dress patterns, there are solid lines across the body part for hem adjusting. Not thinking, I cut my fabric on the first solid line.Talk about mini skirt. It was more than mini... it was shirt length. I felt so embarrassed. Rather than make an example out of me to the other girls, my teacher kindly took me aside and talked me through ways to fix the mistake. We came up with a plan privately and I continued to sew my jumper. There was an unusual seam line in it... that only myself and my teacher knew about. No one else on the planet did. That jumper became one of my favorite dresses."

Of course, the essay was a 2 1/2 hour long test and much more detail went into writing about the experience. But I got through it. And with flying colors!

A week following the test, I was walking down the hall of the Family Life Building, going to my next class when one of my professors walked by with a smile on her face and said "congratulations Carol!". Ok. I thought. For what? I kindly acknowledged her congrats and continued to walk to class so I wouldn't be late. Yet another professor, with a smile on her face, met me at the classroom room door, said "congratulations Carol!". Hummm.... I thought again, and asked "what am I being congratulated for?"

"You received a "Distinction" on your Secondary Education Entrance Exam!"

"What does that mean?"

"It means you received the highest score on the test, and all other essays were graded off of yours. You are only one of two students, from the College of Family Life, to ever receive that mark!" 

That day, and all the days after... I really did come to know that I was braver than I believed, stronger than I seemed, and smarter than I ever thought!

I'm a USU graduate, Aggie alumni! 

picture taken on Old Main Hill 2014 

B.S. degree, Family & Consumer Science  Education - 1994

M.S. degree, Human Environments - 1999

The back of Old Main

College of Family Life

                             Inspired by Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop

The Perfect Mother

An Angel kissed my cheek today,
He said "I love you Mom, I'm ok." 
At first I thought I was dreaming,
Until I saw a bright light beaming.

I heard him whisper in my ear,
I've come to get a few things clear.
I know you worry you did something wrong,
I know how hurt your heart is Mom.

I see your tears when others do not,
I hear over and over your same thought. 
You think somehow, some way or another,
you should have been a better mother.

Please feel my presence here today.
Please believe me when I say,
For me there could be no other.
For me YOU are the Perfect Mother!

Don't you remember? Don't you see?
I chose you and you chose me!
Remember Mom, we chose together.
Our perfect love will last forever!

My Son, My Angel.... Steven 

1983 - 2015

I am changed... forever. I'm carving out my 'new normal' moving forward in a world without two of my best friends... my children. Steven and Shaniel.

Life is not the same as I remember it not so long ago. It's different without children you bore, raised, and loved their entire lives. Just under 3 years apart, both were 32 years of age at the time of passing. Both left small families behind (my son, his wife). And a grieving mother. A father. And siblings. Countless family members and friends. My heart has been shattered for the second time in less than 3 years. Not everyone will understand who reads this... but someone, somewhere... just may. My heart goes out to them.

In any given moment, the reality of losing two children will hit me like a freight train and leave me feeling broken... both body and soul. I am left wondering how can I go on? It's FAITH !  One simple word whispers quietly, yet with conviction, in my ear... and, with courage and new strength, I pick myself up and carry on. It's in our Savior's atonement that I find peace, comfort, hope, faith, healing, forgiveness, and love. And I know my two precious children... my Angels, are able to do the same. Perfect Love binds us together. Perfect Love is eternal. And I am forever changed.

...until we meet again.

I am a Pioneer!

We often think of a Pioneer as an ancestor who joined the church in a far away land, sailed across the seas, and made the trek across the plains to the Rocky Mountains with other saints. Their journey was long and hard. It took great courage and faith. It took determination, commitment, and sacrifice. Their journey was not without trial and tribulation. Many faced hunger, exposure, and death. Yet, they came! Our ancestors paved the way through an unknown territory in order for us, their posterity, to enjoy the lives we have today. How grateful I am for those faithful ancestors!

The Pioneers arrived in the Salt Lake Valley on July 24th, 1847. That was 168 years ago today. Once our ancestors arrived in the Salt Lake Valley, they toiled and labored with all their might to build up Zion. It would not take long for the desert to, indeed... "blossom like a rose."

With all the modern advances of today, we wonder if we could ever be a Pioneer. The answer is "yes!" Every day presents an opportunity to be a Pioneer. So what is a Pioneer? "If you are the first, you are a Pioneer."

Familysearch.org issued a challenge to share how we are a Pioneer today. As I thought about my life, it took me back to a time that posed trials and hardship on every end, but also opened up many wonderful opportunities for growth as I maneuvered through unknown territory.

My Pioneer story is dedicated to my father, who was also born on Pioneer day... July 24, 1928. He was my inspiration!

My father was the first member of, not only his immediate family, but also extended family, to receive a college education. He was a Pioneer. As a child I often went to the bookcase and looked at the book he had written from his college days. I would pick it up with wonder and awe at the vast knowledge that was contained in the thickest book I had ever seen. It was then that the seeds of education were planted in my mind.

However, the opportunity to attend college never came until I found myself in the most difficult of circumstances in my life. After 12 years of marriage, it was over. I suddenly found myself alone to take care of five small children. I had two choices. Either curl up in a corner and watch the world go by, or do something about it. I chose to do something about it! With the encouragement of loving parents, I headed off in a direction that would change mine and my children's lives forever. School!

I moved my family to Logan, UT and started an adventure that took me into unknown territory. It was hard raising five small children alone, attending college full time, and working part-time. My ward became my family. How grateful I was for them. My journey was long and hard. It took great sacrifice, commitment, and determination. It took faith and courage. I had many trials and hardships along the way that left me wanting for the simple days I once knew. Many nights I cried myself to sleep, when the children were safely tucked into bed. Prayer was my lifeline to press forward with faith. I knew my Father In Heaven loved me and was mindful of our needs. I persisted in achieving my goal to graduate from college with a degree that would afford me the opportunity to care for my family.

Five years later, in 1995, I graduated with a B.S. degree in FACS Education and a minor in Nutrition. I re-married my last year of school. Four years later, I earned my M.S. degree and was able to fulfill a life-long dream of becoming a county Extension Agent for USU. As I placed my own book upon the library shelf, thoughts instantly took me back to dad's book that I used to admire with awe and wonder. And now... I could add mine to it!

My brothers followed in dad's footsteps and earned college degrees. All of my sisters started college. They married and started their families, never finishing.

I went to college under the most difficult of circumstances and I finished. I am a Pioneer! I was the first girl in my family to accomplish this. When I look back and think about all the hardships and trials during that time in my life, my heart swells with gratitude in spite of them. Not only for the growth I experienced along the way, but for the opportunities that opened up. Mostly I am grateful that I showed my children the way... that even when sore trials come upon them... they can choose to stay faithful and committed. They, too, can be a Pioneer!

And thank you dad... for showing me the way. Happy Birthday!

Dad's (Jim Bates) graduation from USU, 1959

That's me (Carol) in my mother's arms

We all have a Pioneer story. Please share your's in the comments.

See the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sing "Come, Come, Ye Saints" to an inspiring video at http://www.mormontabernaclechoir.org/videos/come-come-ye-saints-mormon-tabernacle-choir.html?