2014 - Just Keep Going

I was in Europe last January and now have to admit that making New Year's resolutions was not at the top of my priority list! In fact, I didn't make any goals. Losing a daughter earlier in the year drained me physically, mentally, and emotionally. All I could do was take one day at a time. Many days I found myself just going through the motions. I did, however, find a post I had written in February 2014 that brought attention to my state of mind and what I wanted for the New Year. Here is some of what I wrote ---

February 2014 

It's a New Year. Not the beginning of the year. But the beginning of another year without Shaniel. I try not to think about it too much. I put on a brave front sometimes. But mostly, I have come to terms with her passing. I feel she is ready to move forward, as I am too.

As I have reflected over the past year, my first year without her, it has been so long... yet it seems just like yesterday I was talking to her, hugging her, laughing with her. I hope that her image stands so still in my mind, that when I see her again it will be as if we never were apart. Not even for one minute. Sometimes I yearn for her so badly. I just want to touch her and smell her, and see her smile and hear her laugh. But then, I think... I will soon enough.

The Lord has been so kind to me this past year. He sent ministering angels to buoy me up when I needed strength to endure. I often wondered if Shaniel was one of them. On occasion, I felt her love and gentle touch. She often expressed her love for me when she was alive... why would she stop now!

Throughout the year, I felt the tender mercies of a loving Father In Heaven. I felt His love. I felt peace. I felt hope with increased faith. I experienced healing. I was able to forgive when I didn't know how it would ever be possible. I was able to recognize blessings... so many blessings that I can't begin to count them. 

As I start the new year, I will move forward with faith and hope in brighter days ahead. I will pray for strength, endurance, and courage. I will bring honor and remembrance to Shaniel's name. She will not have died in vain. We will continue to share her story and hopefully help save another victim of domestic abuse and violence. I can't help but think that Shaniel is pleased. She can move forward, too.

Carol (me) and Shaniel

January 2015

In looking back on those things I wanted for 2014, I found myself asking the questions.  Did I... Move forward with faith and hope seeking for brighter days? Pray for strength, endurance, and courage? Share Shaniel's Story with others? Help victims of domestic violence?

The answer is YES and NO. I did the best that I could. 

NO! The second year, 2014, without Shaniel was extremely difficult and very lonely. My state of mind was different, too. Reality set in. I felt numb a lot. It was hard to think about her. The way she died. Having to listen to all the excuses made in defense of her killer, by his family and my own, was more than I could bear at times. Grief has a way of taking a toll on you. I found out that grief is, indeed, a very lonely journey. You have to put on a happy face and hide your emotions for fear of upsetting someone or making them feel uncomfortable. And even worse...  is having a well meaning family member give you advice on how you should grieve or how you should perceive the situation of her death. Or worse yet... family members that are complacent and full of apathy. No comment. No words. Nothing. That has been the most hurtful. Maybe it's just too hard to hear. Maybe.... but I need to say it and I will say it...

I will say it.... Shaniel's death was a homicide. She was killed by her husband. It was an act of domestic violence. It was no accident. He made a plan and carried it out. He was not sick. He was plain evil. There is no other way to say it. I hate the word homicide and murder. I hate that I have to miss my daughter every single day of my life. I hate that it happened to me, her dad, her siblings, and her children. It has changed all of our lives. I hate everything about it. I really do. It sucks! And I won't apologize if it was too loud in your ears.

Ok... now can I move forward! Again!

YES! Don't get me wrong. I had the most amazing experiences last year. Experiences that increased my faith and gave me hope. Experiences that brought me understanding and gave me an eternal perspective. Losing my daughter changed me. It has been so difficult on one hand, but has also helped me grow and become a better person. I learned that in growth, comes opposition. Putting my trust in the Lord and praying to receive strength and courage gave me much needed comfort on my most difficult days.

I wrote as much as I could on Shaniel's Story facebook page, but I hit a brick wall for much of the year. The previous year, 2013, my mind was continually filled with
inspiration. Whereas, 2014 produced little. If you believe in road blocks, stumbling blocks, or those things that keep you from going where you want to... well, I had my share of them. But it didn't keep me down. I did what I could when the opportunity and inspiration presented itself. Shaniel's Story page continues to grow in numbers and interest. Several courageous women shared their stories of escape from domestic violence relationships. Many victims are finding hope. We are making a difference. And that's what matters!

I'm not about to let a hard year determine the outcome of this trial. Shaniel's life will not have been in vain.There is much to be thankful for, much more to do, more people to help. My mother always gave me this advice when I thought I could go on no longer...

"And this, too, shall pass!" And, it will.

I still have not made a New Year's resolution this year, but I will. It will be simple. Not much. But something. And I will continue to seek for brighter days. For me, it's one step in front of the other. Just keep moving. Just keep going. It will get easier. It can only go one way... up! I know it will. This year will be better than the last. Cheers!

I find these quotes an inspiration for the New Year. Maybe one will inspire you.

Writing prompt #1: Look back at the resolutions you made last year at this time, how did you do?

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Opportunity

A one word theme to live by was one of the hardest things I have had to come up with.

Resolutions are much easier. You think of a goal you want to accomplish, write it down, make a plan, and follow through (hopefully). Resolutions are specific in nature. A one word theme can encompass a myriad of possibilities... a much more challenging task.

I decided to rise to Mama Kat's challenge and choose a one word theme to live by for 2013. After much thought... after all, it's for an entire year, I decided to dedicate myself to a year of...

Op.por.tu.ni.ty 

Opportunity is defined as - a set of circumstances with uncertain outcome, requiring commitment of resources and involving exposure to risk.

I broke the definition down even further to fully understand what I was getting myself into. 

Circumstances - details surrounding a situation, or a condition that causes something to occur.

Commitment - dedication, application; act of committing, pledging, or engaging oneself; pledge, promise, obligation, responsibility

Resources - stock or supply of money, materials, staff, and other assets (skills, knowledge, etc.) that can be drawn on by a person or organization in order to function. 

Risk - a situation involving exposure to danger, harm, or loss.

Opportunity can present itself in many forms: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, personal, financial. It could take me in any direction. 

When reflecting on last year, 2012, I want to put it behind me and never go there again (if I can help it). It was a year filled with surgery and illness. That, in itself, propels me to think of opportunities for improving my health. 

And there's something else. I have the opportunity to learn something new and challenging that is completely outside my comfort zone. Something I promised my mother I would do before she passed away. I promised to look after her genealogy and continue researching the family line. I started last year by organizing family histories, scanning old family photos, slides and negatives onto cd's to share will family members, and making a copy of my mother's family (sibling) history book for relatives. It was a big job! Mom is counting on me to continue and do much more. 

My mother's side of the family nominated me as the permanent Historian for the family. Thanks to my mother's dedication and transferring of responsibility to me! I didn't know what I was getting myself into when I so readily accepted her request just before she passed. I am quite intimidated by the name Historian. What does that really mean? Mom's family is large (she was the 9th child out of 11). I can think of other family members who could do a much better job. But, I'm it! And that's just one side to it. The research... overwhelming! I'm starting a new Family History class this week that will hopefully put me on the track to researching with confidence.

Improving my health and continuing my mother's quest for family research are two big opportunities staring me in the face this year. But, there are also the small, everyday opportunities that will, inevitably  present themselves every day of the year. It's one thing to vegetate, and it's another thing to do! This year I will look for the opportunities, great or small, to change myself and those around me for the better. This is going to be a great year, I can already tell! 

writing prompt #1: Instead of a resolution, some people choose a theme word to live by for the year. Choose a word for 2013 and tell us why you chose it.